Tuesday, July 16, 2013

I Am A Disobedient Fraud

Well, maybe I should say I was a disobedient fraud.

It all started about a month ago, maybe more. God asked me to do something and I ran.

Now I had a reason for running, and I though it was a pretty good one. I guess Jonah did too.

He asked me to fast. He didn't give a time frame, didn't say "Behold, thou must fasteth for three years" or something ridiculous like that. He simply said "fast".

No time frame, no deep directions or King James lingo. Just "fast".

That doesn't seem too hard, right? You might fast all the time and wonder why I would rebel from something so silly.

Let me explain.

I have a past. We all do, right? My past includes near hospitalization at 16 because I was determined to be 72 lbs. No clue why I was fixated on that number, but I was. I wouldn't eat much. I'd pick. I'd throw up. Now I'm not hear to coach you on how to form an eating disorder, so that's the end of my descriptions. What I want to tell you about isn't so much the physical aspects of this problem, but the spiritual.

By adulthood I'd conquered this demon I thought. I reached a whopping 90 lbs (laugh with me). I got married and eventually became pregnant. After the baby was born I wasn't 90 lbs anymore. I couldn't wear the clothes I'd worn since High School. I had a womanly shape now and it terrified me. I began to struggle again and my doctor insisted I see a specialist. I was frustrated and defeated but also very determined to be that frail 90 lbs again. I wasn't seeing clearly.

It took a lot of work to fight this battle. Counselors and a church friend (who had fought this battle and won) helped me through it. Since I'm already being honest, I'll go one more . . . since my recovery, I really believed it was only the reality that my daughters were watching me that kept me on the right path this long.

When God said fast, he stirred up fear in me. Just like Jonah was afraid of the vicious Ninevites,  I was afraid of the violence I might commit against my own body. I feared another relapse. I didn't trust His healing touch.

This is where I was fraud. All the while rebelling against God, I continued to encourage others to listen to Him. I tried to ignore the conflict and persist in my disobedience.

I was sick this past week. I couldn't keep food down. Couldn't eat anything. You know what? I didn't relapse. As soon as I could stomach food again, I ate. God used this illness to open my eyes to the reality that His request did not put me in danger at all.

In fact it might result in healing.

I confessed all of this inner wrestling with my Mom and she simply said "Obey God". So I decided I would. Did you catch that? Obedience is a decision. I had been making the wrong one for far too long.

Since God didn't give me a time frame, I decided to do a one day fast. 24 hours. My fast is over now or I would not be discussing it with you. You know what? I survived. Not only that, but God fed me on His Word all through the night and day when food wasn't on my plate.

I learned that my fear of failure had been bigger than my trust in God. I learned that perfect love drives out fear and His love was shooing mine away with every meal I skipped.

Here's what I am not saying: I'm not telling someone actively struggling with an eating disorder to fast.

Instead, I'm saying that if God asks you to do something, anything . . .obey. Disobedience may delay your healing.

Am I healed in one day of fasting? Yes. We humans make it so much harder then it has to be. We doubt ourselves. We doubt Him. It's safe to trust. It's safe to believe that He will protect me. I can relax.

And on that realization I'm not a disobedient fraud any longer.


  1. :) love this! Thank you for being so honest and open. Without knowing it, you just spoke directly to my heart! I have avoided fasting for the very same reason for many, many years! **Sigh** Thank you friend for being transparent in this lesson!

  2. Obedience is better than sacrifice.