I should be working. I should be doing any number of tasks that flood my everyday, cuddling my children, running my company, making dinner. I should be, but I'm not. Instead, I have spent most of today paralyzed with fear and boiling with anger.
My day didn't begin this way. I had a migraine and had to cancel Caibry's therapy appointment because he had a bad cough all night. I had some errands to do still, but only a couple and all very close to home.
I ran to my doctor's first and dropped off a request order for a tens unit that my physical therapist needs him to sign.
Then we hit the library and picked up my daughter's next assigned book for school, Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry.
Then we hit the post office. I had a letter waiting. I ran in and grabbed it and this is when my day stopped being pleasant.
Let's flash back. Spin with me. Whooosh.
We're now in late August. My son's new psychiatrist changed his medications. He was miserable. He was screaming and crying, completely not himself at all. He was panicking and couldn't breath. I paged the doctor in off hours. She said to cut the pill in half. I tried. Day two on this medicine was terrible. I called and left a message. No response. I sent an email with a video of my son having horrible fits, threatening himself and others. I needed help. No response. 6 days later they finally call and tell me to take him off the medicines. By then I'd already reached out to his primary doctor and sought advice there. Her first direction was to stop that medicine. They also wanted to schedule an "emergency appointment". By then he was under control, safe and regulated. They scheduled it for Sept.4th and I explained that that day was not good for me because I homeschool and could not get a babysitter. The receptionist said "no problem bring them, it's an emergency appointment so he needs to be here". For some reason, her tone or something, I heard it like a threat.
We all arrive Sept. 4th. We wait in the waiting room an hour and 15 minutes past the appointment time. We read through two Highlight magazines from cover to cover and we had resorted to playing a game called "rock". I say "rock" and they curl up in a ball. Then I say "shape of . . .worm" and they wiggle around like worms then back to rock again and so on.
The office manager comes out. She stares at them like they are infected with some lethal poison or something and says "What are you doing?" I'm sitting there thinking really? you're asking me about a game? try getting the doctor to do her job but instead I answer calmly "waiting on the doctor." She says "but what are they doing?" I say "we're waiting on the doctor" but I'm thinking really lady, is it so hard to comprehend? The appointment was 75 minutes ago. Again she says "What are they doing?" I give up and sweetly explain the game and show her how my children pretend to be roadkill armadillos on command (it really is kind of adorable). She looks at us with disgust (c'mon lady they are kids!) and says "Okay I asked wrong, Why are they here?" I answer, "We are here for my son's appointment". She says. "Well what are you going to do with them? They can't go back it's against policy"
"The one you signed"
"I've never signed a policy saying my children can't come here and the receptionist said it was okay because of the situation. This is an emergency appointment (now I'm throwing their words back at them)."
"Well they can't go back there. It's only your son's appointment. Are you homeschoolers?" She talks really slow like I can't understand English and must not understand that she is in effect kicking us out. Okay, so I admit, I hadn't actually gone that far ahead in my mind and put that reality to work yet. I was still stuck on the "Are you homeschoolers" line.
She shakes her head, hands on hips and suggests disapprovingly that my oldest daughter could watch them in the lobby. I won't agree because, in Oklahoma, it is actually illegal for an 11 year old to be responsible for another child. She suggests the receptionist (that'd be the person who couldn't even do her job and return my call for 6 day, no thanks). This woman will not budge. She's aggressively standing over us with her hands on her hips. Finally I stand and tell the kids to get their stuff. I shuffle them out saying "I'm done. I'll find another doctor."
I step outside make sure everyone is accounted for stuff in tow and I think for a minute, actually consider and make the choice to slam the door. Their picture window doesn't even budge though I actually will it to shatter into a billion pieces. I'm angry but I'm under control. I head straight for the primary doctor and tell them everything. She's horrified that I was treated this way and can't apologize enough, even though I was the foolish one who hand picked the psychiatrist for her Christian practice.
His doctor is great. She gets us through and he has a new psychiatrist and counselor by the next day.
Somehow I knew it wasn't over.
Whirl with me we're going back to today.
I'm holding a certified letter in my hands. Something that will be on my child's medical record forever and you know what it says? It says the psychiatrist I fired over a month ago is accusing me of making verbal and physical threats against staff or physicians. It says there is a signed copy of the almighty policy attached but nothing is attached. There aren't even holes from a stapler or the crinkle from a paperclip.
She implies that I am a threat and yet she let me walk out with four children that day. She makes insinuations in the letter that I'm unstable and may be a danger to myself or others, but she let me walk out. If I'm so unbalanced why didn't they call for help?
Because I'm not unbalanced. I'm attentive. They knew I had accurate and detailed records of every call they ignored, videos of my child battling for help while the doctor was unavailable. They knew they were wrong.
September 4th I was angry. I was frustrated. I was emotional but I was also under control. I chose to slam a door. I felt the pressure I applied and even felt dissatisfied with myself for tempering my one obvious act of annoyance by not slamming it very hard.
It came down to the reality that I'm vulnerable. I'm a homeschooler. I have no letters behind my name, no college degree, no value to this woman. I'm something to be squashed.
I felt September 4th that they would try something. Everyone I told looked at me like I was paranoid. I hold a letter in my hand now and I still don't think it's over. They aren't done and I don't understand why. I can't understand anyone's motive to destroy someone or to slander them leaving them helpless.
This is why I asked for prayer today.
No one is dying, but I'm shaking inside. No one has touched me but I'm bruised and hurting. I'm literally dumbfounded.
There is one thing I'm sure of though. God hears and answers prayer.
All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.
Though you search for your enemies,you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all.
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you. ~ Isaiah 41:11-13